Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I cockslap morals
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
