Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
