I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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