Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
