I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
