Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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