They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You have to summon your inner elephant
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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