What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize