She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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