you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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