You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize