WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
now i know why i became what i already was.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize