Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
