Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
