How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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