woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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