If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
