I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize