After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize