I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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