The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
