he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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