I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
