you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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