I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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