I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
