Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
