youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize