She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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