I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
