I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
