i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
