I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
