two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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