Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
