I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize