Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
