He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
