I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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