This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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