there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
