so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
