oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
