I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
