Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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