I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
