got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
