hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
