i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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