i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
