i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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