I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
