wanna go halves on a baby?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
