i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
