mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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