The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I need water and some morals
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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