btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
